Steven James' totally subjective, non-scientific guide to illness and health: Ten Step Programs
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By Steven James
HEAL Toronto
I. HOW TO GET SICK, IF YOU ARE WELL
Don't pay any attention to your body. Eat plenty of junk food, drink too much alcohol, take drugs and have lots of unsafe, chemically-driven sex with lots of different partners -- and, above all, FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. If you are over-stressed and tired, IGNORE IT AND KEEP ON PUSHING YOURSELF.
Cultivate the perception that your life is meaningless and of little value.
Do lots of things you don't like, and avoid doing what you really want to do. Follow everyone else's opinion and advice while seeing yourself as miserable and "stuck".
Be resentful, hypercritical and judgemental of everyone around you, and especially towards yourself.
Fill your mind with dreadful pictures, and then obsess over them. Worry about the future most, if not all, of the time.
Avoid any possibility of developing deep, lasting, intimate relationships that are sexually gratifying. Resent anyone else who does develop one.
Blame other people for all your problems. Stay angry at people for everything lacking in your life.
Do not express your feelings and views openly and honestly. Other people wouldn't appreciate it. If at all possible, avoid even knowing what your feelings are.
Shun anything that resembles humor. Remember that life is a serious struggle, and is no laughing matter.
Avoid making any changes that would bring greater satisfaction and joy into your life.
II. HOW TO GET SICKER (IF YOU'RE ALREADY SICK)
Think constantly about all the awful things that could happen to you. Dwell upon negative, fearful images.
Be depressed, self-pitying, envious and angry. Blame everyone and everything for your illness.
Read articles, books and newspapers, watch TV programs, and listen to people who reinforce the viewpoint that there is NO HOPE. Feel that you are powerless to influence your fate.
Cut yourself off from other people. Be a recluse. Regard yourself as a pariah or a leper. Lock yourself in your room and contemplate death.
Hate yourself for the present condition of your life. Incessantly blame yourself without mercy for your past.
Go to see lots of different doctors. Run from one to another, spend half your time in waiting rooms, get lots off conflicting opinions and lots of experimental drugs. If you use non-toxic therapies, start one program after another without sticking to any. Become thoroughly confused.
Quit your job (especially if you love it), stop work on any projects and give up all activities that bring you a sense of purpose and fun. See your life as essentially pointless, and at an end.
Complain constantly about your symptoms, and associate exclusively with other people who are unhappy and embittered. Keep hating while you reinforce each other's feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
Don't take care of yourself. What's the use? Try to get other people to do it for you, and then resent them for not doing a good enough job.
Think how awful life is, and how you might as well be dead. But, also make sure that you are absolutely terrified of death, just to increase the pain and terror you feel.